So I'm sitting here watching The Island for the first time, and even though I quickly surmise that I'm watching Logan's Run meets Blade Runner meets The Matrix, and even though Ewan McGregor's noble-but-still-not-quite-it attempt at an American accent is grating, I find myself enjoying it.
It is sci-fi, after all.
And then Michael Bay starts all his plot-killing horseshit.
The telltale drums begin and Ewan McGregor starts to run ... and I pull out my laptop and start playing Freecell.
After too many minutes, the movie slows down again and I get to enjoy a few moments with my man Steve Buscemi.
And then he gets killed and it all goes to hell.
As soon as the chase scene starts, I leave the room. I make myself something to eat. I do some stretching exercises. I wash up for the night. All the while I'm hearing explosions and crashes, and the only thing keeping me from throwing the television off the balcony is the sound of the engines revving.
The sound that never fails to cut straight through my disgust on its way to my erogenous zones.
Twenty long, abrasive, insulting minutes later, I'm left with two nagging questions. Why wouldn't he have his owner's Scottish accent, and when are they going to get to the part where they learn about sex?
And then blah blah blah, this that and the other, and as the credits roll all I can think is this:
All of Michael Bay's movies would be only 45 minutes long if he took out all the completely identical, completely formulaic, completely boring "action" scenes.
And Michael Bay himself can take his lazy, product-placement-whoring ass and jump off one of his exploding bridges.
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Interesting. I would LOVE to hear what you have to say about Transformers. :)
ReplyDeleteHah, just read what I wrote above, but replace every instance of "The Island" with "Transformers".
DeleteAnd then add extra anger and boredom for all the extra, boring, CGI-infested action scenes.